Merkel's COVID address and our latest closures

I’ve been avoiding 99.9% of coronews out of self-preservation. But the Chancellor of Germany gave a rare televised address last night on the measures they’re taking here, and more importantly, WHY they’re taking them, that I thought showed refreshingly clear, honest, and stable leadership (remember that? it can still be a thing).

Here is the official English transcript, for my US friends and family especially, since I KNOW you’re facing the same threats but not getting the same messaging. Click through and read it — it’s not terribly long — if you’d like a little official straight-talk on the topic.

For context, here are some of the restrictions we’re now living with in Germany generally, Hesse and Frankfurt specifically that she is referring to:

  • Closure of the borders with Austria, Switzerland, France, Luxembourg and Denmark. Requested stoppage of all elective travel, both domestic and international. Turning away incoming travelers at Frankfurt airport.
  • Closure of all schools, from preschool/daycare through university
  • Our transit has switched to running on the lighter summer holiday schedule. Which is just as well, because they have
  • Closure of ALL: Bars, clubs, pubs; Theaters, operas, concert halls, museums; Trade fairs, exhibitions, cinemas, leisure and animal parks and providers of leisure activities (indoors and outdoors), special markets, casinos, prostitution facilities, brothels; all public and private sports facilities, swimming pools, fitness studios; all other retail outlets not mentioned elsewhere in this document, and Playgrounds.
  • Nearly everyone who can work from home has been asked or required to.
  • Prohibition of all gathering in clubs/sports/leisure facilities as well as taking advantage of offers in adult education centers, music schools and other public and private educational institutions outside of school as well as travel by bus; also gathering in churches, mosques, synagogues and the gatherings of other religious communities.
  • Hotels should not be used for tourist purposes, only necessary business.
  • Restaurants may only open from 6am to 6pm, though it might be possible to do pick-up/take-out later/delivery later? It’s changing every day.

What’s still open (for now)?

Doctors offices and hospitals, obviously. Groceries, weekly markets (they’re like farmers markets), pick-up and delivery services, beverage stores, pharmacies, medical supply stores, drug stores, gas stations, banks and savings banks, post offices, hairdressers, dry cleaners, laundromats, newspaper sales, construction, horticultural and pet supplies markets, probably hardware stores.

That’s it.

And it’s hard, because we ARE all used to more choices, more freedom, more clear guarantees and end-dates when we make compromises.

It was nice to hear Merkel acknowledge that, even as she told us what we already knew: that nobody can make any guarantees, that there are no knowable end-dates, but that maybe MAYBE our sacrifices can help shorten the time needed to live under these conditions.

Even so, I’m 100% sure it’s going to get worse before it gets better — curfews and electronic surveillance, like we’re seeing in other countries, maybe even violence. Those genies are harder to get back into bottles than just holding a grand re-opening sale.

Viral load: full

Realized today I’ve reached maximum Corona saturation. Which means I really topped out weeks ago, but seeing as I consume information and oxygen interchangeably, I was not careful to notice when too much was too much.

They say your gut is your “second brain,” though, so after the sixth(?) day of this IBS runs, (haha! oh how we laugh!), I had to wonder what was up. (Also, Corona panickers, stop fucking hoarding toilet paper, some of us need it right now.)

But considering that since the beginning, I have not actively sought out ANY information on the shit besides the breakdown on the ages catching it and the mortality rates, I’ve still been absolutely bombarded with everything I didn’t want to know about it at every fucking turn in at least two languages on every possible platform and outlet. For months.

And today, it was Too Fucking Much.

The Norms have started panicking in earnest and I just do not have the energy left to carry one drop of water for them or their fears.

See, I don’t like to brag, but I don’t ever have the privilege of walking through the world feeling even modestly invincible — not against health systems which are not set up for patients like me, with chronic and complex needs, during the BEST of times; not against economic systems that push those health systems farther out of reach during the BEST of times; and certainly not against microscopic invaders lurking anywhere/everywhere, ready to wreak havoc in my immuno-modulated body.

Maybe it’s maybelline, or maybe it’s the lifelong complex trauma history, chronic illnesses, a good eye for patterns, chronic pain, a chemo-customized immune system, being a long way from home, going through menopause and puberty at the same time…

Maybe it’s all of it, or none of it.

But from the first mention of this novel threat (which came in addition to the annual seasonal influenza threat, against which I cannot be effectively vaccinated), the question was never really

“oh no, what if I get Corona?” or “what can I do to keep from getting Corona?”

the question was always just

“How long until I get this?” and “Will this be one I can get better from, or the one that gets me?”

I don’t have the luxury of panicking.

Anxiety is the fear of fear, and panic is anxiety turned up to 11. You don’t panic in front of a firing squad; the inevitability precludes it. You might panic when a plane experiences turbulence and bounces around, but have you ever read survivor reports about what happens when one really crashes? It’s often eerily quiet, not screamy like in the movies, because once the uncertainty vanishes, so does a certain degree of the anxiety/panic.

And it’s not just me feeling stuck between damned and doomed. I WISH it were just me, so I could take my little whiny worry and wrap it up and bury it in a hole somewhere and sit on it until this thing passes, but there are so many others in the same or worse situation. Nicer people! People with jobs, and pretty smiles, and polite children, and bright futures! People who serve their communities, in spite of pain and limitations! People who are basically the polar opposite of me in every way, except they are also more likely to catch this fucking virus for no fair reason, and it could very well kill them.

So many valuable, vulnerable people out there who, in addition to all their other lacks, also lack the luxury of panic about this new threat. They can only add it to the stack of all the old threats — maybe build a cabin one day? Or at least a nice bonfire? I’lm brng mrfmrllws, I say through a mouthful of marshmallows.

In the meantime, I’ve muted my local grouptexts #indefinitely. I’m spending more time drinking (I mean, if these are the last days, I want them to be good ones), starting now. Well, 30 minutes ago, here’s mud in your eye.

I think self-congratulatory”social media fasts” are silly, but I’ll probably log in less for a bit — those who know me IRL are welcome to reach out directly in the meantime. I’m trying to avoid the public firehose, not real people who really matter.

18 Aug 2019, CVS pharmacy, Georgia, USA. But yeah, TOTALLY ready for this threat.

Palimps, palimpser, palimpsest

Chani’s been all over my case lately:

At first it was nice for my ruins to be acknowledged FOR THEY ARE LEGENDARY but she just kept hammering on it, day after goddamn day. (You can stop reading after that part though. The anxiety thing is bullshit; it’s called homeostasis — your living system seeking a dynamic equilibrium — NOT pathology. The only unstimulated/unsoothed nervous system is a dead one.)

Uhh I mean, astrology is bullshit and so am I for reading it, but maybe not all of neuroscience is, says the person with a large brain tattoo on their arm.

Anyway.

Yesterday, I started noticing. Fading pasts, futures birthing, etc.

On the way to lunch.
At lunch.
Even the lunch itself, which was advertised as this…
…then was served thus. And tasted fantastic. I let the counter guy pick my fry sauce and he went with Miami, which turned out to be…half orange pudding, half mayo, a little onion powder and a lot of celery salt?

And then the Chief looked even worse, immediately after, in the WC. Ahem.

There are no pictures of that phase — pre-use! jfc — even though I DEARLY wanted to take one: it was the first time since arriving that I’d finally encountered one of the classic German shelf toilets.

I’d restarted my no-cell-signal phone while dining, forgetting that the SIM PIN lock would then be on — and that my SIM PIN was 45 min away at home. So no phone, for the next 5+ hours, until I returned.

My past might be fading*, but doing stupid inconvenient shit will always be here for me.

*It’s not. I fully agree with Faulkner’s oft-quoted observation that “The past is never dead. It’s not even past.”

And also with Bessel Van Der Kolk’s longer version:

We have learned that trauma is not just an event that took place sometime in the past; it is also the imprint left by that experience on mind, brain, and body. This imprint has ongoing consequences for how the human organism manages to survive in the present. Trauma results in a fundamental reorganization of the way mind and brain manage perceptions. It changes not only how we think and what we think about, but also our very capacity to think.”

One of those self-pity kind of days

It didn’t start out that way. It never does! I’m not wired for that.

Please.

I’m just trying so hard at everything all the time here, with super-this-human levels of busting-ass and endurance and determination. I guess trying to make up for all I’m missing here, which is…pretty much everything. No friends, no job, no language, no skills, no reputation, no power. No reason for existing.

That vaunted immigrant work ethic? Turns out it’s just vulnerability, flipped around and razor sharpened.

And all I want is for some of this trying to work out sometimes, in exchange for all the goddamn effort I’m overextending every fucking endless day. And it just really almost never does. And I can only say, “Whelp, maybe tomorrow” so many tomorrows in a row before I land on a day like this one.

Today I tried to find, and mostly failed, to find a cleaner who would agree to wash a 30lb pillowcase full of bedlinens for our new apartment.

Before I started, I thought I was being resourceful, savvy. Have someone with a washing machine (I don’t, yet) do this bit of apartment prep while I assemble furniture, commute across town between apartments, cook meals, wrangle children, etc. (aka tasks collectively known as Things I Can’t Very Well Do At A Laundromat).

Also, German washing machines and dryers are verrry slow compared to US ones; a wash cycle is often 2 hours, and drying can easily take that long and still not be totally dry.

Outsourcing sounds smart, right?

Yeah, right.

First the Amazon delivery dude calls me from the new apartment because I wasn’t answering the door. I am not an idiot so I do not answer the phone the first time he calls, but when he calls back about 30 seconds later, I answer in case something terrible has happened (I answered the phone from an unknown number in a foreign country, it doesn’t get much worse, Quod Erat Demonstrandum).

I told him I’d be there in 30 minutes and he said begrudgingly that he’d swing back by. I hadn’t planned to start the day over there, but ok. Atlas can hold up the heavens AND bend over backwards, right? Onward!

The sitter had just arrived for the first time to stay with the boys for a few blessed hours, so I headed straightaway to the new apartment: bus to the end of the line, walk to the tram, wait 10 minutes, tram to the end of the line, walk 7 minutes, home sweet home. And I wait.

And wait.

And wait.

While I wait, I open all the new linens that I would eventually take to the cleaners: sheets, pillowcases, duvets. With each piece, I thanked god that an uncle gave us a mass of ready towels for xmas so we didn’t also have to buy, and wash and dry, those as well.

Finally, after about an hour and half, I gave up on Amazon guy, figuring that he had chosen to stand me up in revenge for my not being “home” earlier, and I left to go get something for lunch, carrying a giant gaily colored pillowcase full of some lump the size of an average preschooler.

Picture this pillowcase, but 4 times bigger and square, crammed 2/3 full of cargo, and twisted shut, being hauled down the street by a frowning crippled stranger in black, past all the piles of discarded christmas trees on the curb. It makes Krampus jealous.

Totally normal.

Five meters outside the building, I almost passed a man carrying 3 cardboard boxes, but I slowed down and said the only international thing I could think of, which was, ” Justice ? ? “

And he said, ” Y e s .”

This is where I digress to point out that every conversation I have here is straight out of some terrible literary fiction novel I’ve never read, or some slow-ass arty movie I’ve never finished. Every exchange is slowed down and blown up and padded with extra white space and longing and sideways eye contact and unspoken unknowables — and that’s when it’s going well.

It’s excruciating.

” Thank you so much for coming back ,” I said as I put down my pillowcase and dug out my keys to open the building door that had closed behind me just seconds earlier. “We’re just moving in so we’re not here all the time yet, and –“

” I understand ,” he breathed, then said nothing more but looked like he might be considering it. Or maybe my microwave was heavy. Probably both.

“You can just drop those here uhhh in the elevator. I’ll get them to the apartment. Thanks again…. ”

” I’ll do it, ” he said quietly.

So we went up to my apartment together. Hmh.

I dug my keys out again to open the door. “Right here inside the door is great, thanks so much.”

” I’ll wait for you . ” and he held the elevator door with his foot while I relocked the door and we rode back downstairs together.

In silence.

For

f

o

u

r

floors.

He’s really nice? I’m a total asshole? That’s the boilerplate takeaway I get from every interaction here. It’s exhausting. I fail and fail and fail and I’m not even sure how, but it’s clockwork.

More wait, more tram, 15 minutes of walking, 30lbs of clean dirty laundry

Cleaner #1: When do you want these back?

Me: Uh, this week?

Cleaner: Well…[looks inside the bag]…no. NO. She does these on Tuesday and Thursday. NO. Try the other place up by the tram stop and the hotel, 5 minutes walk.

Me, thinking: You mean a place I probably walked past 10 minutes ago and never saw? No thanks.

So I took my bulky bindle to the food court of the nearby mall to finally get some lunch. Accidentally ate an egg! It was between the burger patties — sneaky, and delicious.

Decided to take a shortcut by taking the Ubahn back through another main station on the way back to the old apartment, thinking surely there must be a cleaners near there.

And there was! And it only took 25 minutes of walking and googling and texting a friend for help and blind slogging-a-preschooler-in-a-pillowcase-making-my-hand-numb-luck to finally find them inside the station. I know prepositions are advanced and open to interpretation and stuff, but there’s a difference between “at” and “in.” If you are located IN the station, you should say you are IN the station and not AT the station. Ahem.

Cleaner 2, breaking off a conversation with somebody already there: Hallo.

Me: Entschuldigung, *pant* ich spreche kein deutsch. *pant* Sprechen Sie englisch? *pant*

Cleaner: Yes.

Me. OH THANK GOD! Can you please wash these for us? We’re moving in and don’t have a washing machine yet.

Cleaner: When do you need them?

Me: I know this riddle. Sometime this week would be best.

Cleaner: Monday?

Me: Perfect!

Cleaner: Ok, take this ticket and we’ll settle when you come back on Monday.

Which means I have NO IDEA how much they’re going to charge me and it does not matter. Anything less than the cost of new sheets/pillowcases/duvets was reasonable at that point, because for hours and miles and 7 kilometers of trudging, I was ready to drop that shit in the nearest trash can and set it on fire.

Like, really really ready.

DELEGATION: 1, NEGOTIATION: 0.

Before I left, I took a few orientation pictures so I can find them again, faster, on Monday. Because ultimately, there is nothing to do but get up and do it all again, and try to do better. Or at least get different results.

But in the meantime, I go home and cook a minimal-effort dinner and let my kids think they’re getting away with stolen tablet time, and then I go hide in my room in the dark, because lying down in the cool there is better than sitting on the fake couch in the fake living room and pretending that I’m only fake dying.

And I can cry some. Have to, or I think my eyeballs might just shoot out of my head from all the pressure they’re under, like a Pekingese with a triple espresso and a deadline.

All those sidelong glances and pregnant pauses don’t just evaporate at the end of the day, you know. They’re cumulative. All the wrong things, said and the weight of things unsaid, and how many people thought I was running away from home today, with just my clown ekg pillowcase full of stuff? My face didn’t look fancy and free.

I feel so lonely. My wife speaks the language and has use of a bike and so nimbly avoids 80% or more of the problems I run into on a daily basis. She has other problems, I know — I’m one of them, and I hear there are others — but they’re different.

Everybody here dresses so nice all the time; I don’t just look like a country mouse, I look like I might have escaped from some kind of supervised community living situation. I’m about to need a haircut, and I can’t shop for clothes with kids, and even if I didn’t have them with me, I’d still be fat and dumpy and shoulderless and weird-looking. I don’t have any angles, just slump and slumpier.

I thought there was supposed to be a honeymoon period.

Some pictures from this week

Subway Santa dolls
I’ve gone all the way from Gwinnett to GwinnerstraƟe
VAG
I don’t appreciate somebody drawing a mustache on the Amazon ad I modeled for.
I finally found all the ingredients for cornbread, but no black eyed, field, or pinto beans, just white ones. Leftover chunks of kasseler lachs made for good ham to mix in.

Piercing experience

Supine and naked, we were attending some friend-of-a-friend’s spa party. But space was at a premium, as it is in so much of the city, so the crisply uniformed spa workers stacked a blonde woman on top of me.

We both studied the ceiling for a moment.

“I wasn’t planning to get anything done,” I finally said. “Spas always make me too nervous to enjoy anything besides leaving.”

“I’m already nervous. I’m getting my ears pierced,” she admitted. “I feel so silly for waiting this long. But I’m so afraid of needles.”

She tried to laugh self-consciously, but just exhaled a few times really fast and then felt even more self-conscious. I still couldn’t see her face, but I held easily the full soft weight of her being (kuschelig I am), and I silently appreciated the way that her loosely pinned-up hair was not falling into my face, because ew I have enough nightmares thanks.

I couldn’t help feeling a tenderness toward this stranger and her reasonable, ignorant fear.

“I got my ears pierced when I was 9, after begging and begging,” I told her. “As soon as they did the first one, I said — through tears — they could stop, and I’d live with one. It would be fine, a lot of people only have one earring.”

It was my turn to laugh self-consciously, and a ripple ran through our body-stack.

“But my mom and the minimum-wage mall piercer were having none of that, so they finished the job. What I had started to learn, as soon as the first one was done, was –“

And it was about that time that the spa attendants swarmed up, efficiency en masse, chattering to Top Bunk in a process like surgery prep on speed.

One white uniform pulled her arms out straighter, another turned her head to one side and then the other, still another prepped the tray with the piercing gun and wipes.

“What I learned was that the needle didn’t really hurt, it just surprised. In, out, gone.

She stiffened, sighed.

“What hurts is your own body’s own response to the invasion. It’s a lot slower, throbbier, then achier, crustier. But it also has its own timeline, which means it will end. You inflame, and you cool. And you will love the results.”

Of course that’s about the time I woke up, so I never did get to see her results, or buy her a pair of sparkly new earrings to celebrate her rite of passage.

She wouldn’t be able to change them out for six weeks anyway, unless guidelines have changed in the last 30 years, but that’s part of the rite, too — anticipation after the dread.

Photo by Dmitry Zvolskiy on Pexels.com

Some pictures from the week before I get too far behind

Sunrise

colorful but blurry sunrise glimpsed behind city buildings and trees
Highly pigmented but blurry sunrise this morning
Nightmare Santa buns at the train station (and every other Backerei)
Juxtapose
A gym two doors over from a McDonalds/McCafe
Seb, I have some news for you…
I could stare at this all day. Further proof of ASD or I was a decorative ironworker in a previous life – I did 35mm photo project in 3rd grade of gates all around town, mostly iron, some steel/aluminum.
Wintry mix. I may have to get a non-cotton coat and I am verklempt. Polyester ones whip-whip-whipping give me sensory willies.
Christmas gnome says trans rights.
Lenor, you underestimate the extent to which every shopping experience is a mystery here. Is this laundry detergent? Salad dressing?
I’m shamelessly biased, but a lopsided book/patron ratio makes a lovely pub. And hearing German people order Guinness is just funny.
Seriously, I love metalwork. A lot of the escalators around here are these (now defunct) brand.